I've Turned a Gay Man Straight

When I sent Cecil packing I vowed I was off men forever. They are all a complete waste of time in the love department.

So I was pleased when I met Jarvis at the gym, a homosexual man from Preston. A nice guy, someone to hang out with without the fear of him touching me up when I'm gobbling on a Twirl. He's told me all about his past lovers (12 men, 1 transvestite, and 1 horse when he got drunk at university) and what he likes to do in the bedroom (he sounds like KP's type).

But last night he suddenly declares that I am the most beautiful creature he has ever seen and wants to make love to me. He wanted to take my decade old virginity.

I was a bit taken aback, I almost chocked on my Twirl. I'm bloody cursed, everyone wants to have sex with me, even bloody gay blokes. Why am I so irresistible?

What do I do? Jarvis is a good looking bloke but way too camp for my liking. But I don't want to lose a good friend, particularly one who always arrives at my door with a bottle of Pepsi and a Twirl (full size).

If he called you a creature maybe he is thinking of going back to his horse riding days.

I was thinking more along the lines of that if he liked animals then he might have thought you were a frog?

Once again a serious thread asking for advice is turned into a topic about sex with animals.

He either needs an eye test or his anti-psychotic meds dose needs upping i think.

Just go for it but if he asks you to stop shaving various areas then you may need a re-think.

I agree, Nat's hairy rug back is a real turn off.

Norpig wrote:He either needs an eye test or his anti-psychotic meds dose needs upping i think.

Just go for it but if he asks you to stop shaving various areas then you may need a re-think.

You massive gobshite, you're clearly jealous of my ability to turn gay men straight, when you can only turn straight women gay.

I'm beginning to wonder if Jarvis is the one who has been posting you gifts through the letter box?

karlypants wrote:I'm beginning to wonder if Jarvis is the one who has been posting you gifts through the letter box?

That was Clive. He's received a police caution for stuffing dead animals into my box.

The bloke clearly has an equine fantasy going on - whether it's for blokes hung like them or women that look like them. When he starts calling you "My Little Pony" and offering to brush your hair you'll know he's about to whip his riding crop out. Stock up on Sudocrem for the welts.

I'm sure you've all done something you regret when you were drunk, he assures me the horse was a one off.

wanderlust wrote:The bloke clearly has an equine fantasy going on - whether it's for blokes hung like them or women that look like them. When he starts calling you "My Little Pony" and offering to brush your hair you'll know he's about to whip his riding crop out. Stock up on Sudocrem for the welts.

Did you know Nat owned a horse once? She called it 'My Face'.

She had to get rid of it after an embarrassing incident at Haydock Park. Her horse was running in the 5.15, and jumping up and down in the main stand shouting 'come on My Face', was not the wisest thing to do.

She managed to keep it out of the papers, but her coat was ruined.

Natasha Whittam wrote:When I sent Cecil packing I vowed I was off men forever. They are all a complete waste of time in the love department.

So I was pleased when I met Jarvis at the gym, a homosexual man from Preston. A nice guy, someone to hang out with without the fear of him touching me up when I'm gobbling on a Twirl. He's told me all about his past lovers (12 men, 1 transvestite, and 1 horse when he got drunk at university) and what he likes to do in the bedroom (he sounds like KP's type).

But last night he suddenly declares that I am the most beautiful creature he has ever seen and wants to make love to me. He wanted to take my decade old virginity.

I was a bit taken aback, I almost chocked on my Twirl. I'm bloody cursed, everyone wants to have sex with me, even bloody gay blokes. Why am I so irresistible?

What do I do? Jarvis is a good looking bloke but way too camp for my liking. But I don't want to lose a good friend, particularly one who always arrives at my door with a bottle of Pepsi and a Twirl (full size).

Just say Neigh!  Neigh!

             Snort! Snort!

Forget that, it might inflame him!

Natasha Whittam wrote:He's told me all about his past lovers (12 men, 1 transvestite, and 1 horse when he got drunk at university) and what he likes to do in the bedroom (he sounds like KP's type)

He's already been with a transvestite, so you've hardly turned him.

Well spotted LT!

Leeds_Trotter wrote:He's already been with a transvestite, so you've hardly turned him.

I don't get it.

Natasha Whittam wrote:

Leeds_Trotter wrote:He's already been with a transvestite, so you've hardly turned him.

I don't get it.

You must have got it when he came round that time.

You have a twisted mind. We just watch horse racing when he comes round.