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Joke Thread

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1051 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Oct 05 2017, 22:37

Biggie

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I like what the feminists achieved against all the odds. You really do have to take your bra off to them.
- biggie

http://forum.boltonnuts.co.uk

1052 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Oct 05 2017, 22:38

Biggie

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I would like to welcome on stage, the finalists of The Worlds Biggest Vagina contest, would you give them a big hand please?
-biggie

http://forum.boltonnuts.co.uk

1053 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Oct 05 2017, 22:40

Biggie

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What do you call an extra terrestrial magician who is on an aeroplane? A flying sorcerer. 
-biggie

http://forum.boltonnuts.co.uk

1054 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Oct 05 2017, 22:41

Biggie

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I have been thinking rather deeply, more and more about the earths crust recently, but if I keep going I think I will end up completely mantle!
-biggie

http://forum.boltonnuts.co.uk

1055 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Oct 05 2017, 22:43

Biggie

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Where do Martians go for a pint of bitter? The Aley Inn.
-biggie (face palm)

http://forum.boltonnuts.co.uk

1056 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Oct 05 2017, 23:21

Sluffy

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Don't give up your day job Biggie.

1057 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Oct 06 2017, 14:29

Biggie

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These jokes form the basis of my up and coming stand up routine...
Stand Up For Bad Comedians

http://forum.boltonnuts.co.uk

1058 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Dec 14 2017, 13:46

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn"t want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that"s awfully nice of them. I think I"ll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,
"wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
"I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry..." The policeman fainted.

1059 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Dec 14 2017, 13:47

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.


As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.


Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.


While he was in the bath, the phone rang.


The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.


As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.


'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

1060 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Feb 26 2018, 19:45

boltonbonce

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."
The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."
The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?"
And the guy says, "Your light was on."

1061 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Mar 20 2018, 15:58

Angry Dad

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Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo
Nick Clegg has been knighted.

1062 Re: Joke Thread on Fri May 11 2018, 07:00

boltonbonce

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
2 chickens walking down the road, one says to the other "I think I'll cross over to the other side". "Forget it" said the other chicken "You'll never hear the last of it".

1063 Re: Joke Thread on Fri May 11 2018, 08:38

boltonbonce

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris & Stuart Hall walk into a pub in Ireland.
Barman says “not yew tree again”

1064 Re: Joke Thread on Fri May 11 2018, 16:33

MartinBWFC

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
1981

English Prince gets married

Liverpool win the European cup

Pope dies.

2005

English Prince gets married

Liverpool win the Champions league

Pope dies.

2018

English Prince gets married

Liverpool in Champion league final

Pope shitting himself.

1065 Re: Joke Thread on Fri May 11 2018, 16:39

boltonbonce

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Is he shitting in the woods?

1066 Re: Joke Thread on Fri May 11 2018, 16:43

karlypants

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Very Happy

1067 Re: Joke Thread on Sun May 13 2018, 17:47

y2johnny


Tony Kelly
Tony Kelly
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"  

"Yes," replies the little girl.  

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her £5.  

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"  

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"  

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

1068 Re: Joke Thread on Sun May 13 2018, 17:52

karlypants

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
@y2johnny wrote:Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"  

"Yes," replies the little girl.  

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her £5.  

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"  

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"  

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
Very Happy

1069 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 06 2018, 18:18

y2johnny


Tony Kelly
Tony Kelly
If sex with 4 people is called a foursome, and sex with 3 people is called a threesome, it now makes sense why people call norpig HANDsome.

(Sorry norpig, i just know you like to admit knocking one out constantly Smile )

1070 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 06 2018, 18:26

Leeds_Trotter

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Andy Walker
Andy Walker
Wigan

1071 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 06 2018, 19:30

boltonbonce

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Sam and Joel Tomkins.

1072 Re: Joke Thread on Mon Aug 20 2018, 15:10

Sluffy

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Admin
Edinburgh Fringe best jokes - 2018

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day". - Adam Rowe.

"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse

"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel

"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt

"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan

"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh

"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse

"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff

"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman

"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-45238696

1073 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Aug 28 2018, 14:54

MartinBWFC

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington

1074 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Aug 28 2018, 23:02

xmiles

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Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo

Laughing

1075 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Sep 14 2018, 23:40

DEANO82

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Tony Kelly
Tony Kelly
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she won't talk to me for a month!"

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,

"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, ..a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day!"

1076 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Sep 27 2018, 19:37

DEANO82

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Tony Kelly
Tony Kelly
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkina, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan,
a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner,a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran,a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scot, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean walk up to a nightclub. The doorman stops them and says, "Sorry, you can't go in without a Thai."

1077 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Sep 27 2018, 19:39

BoltonTillIDie

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
I bet people love being told that joke

1078 Re: Joke Thread on Thu Sep 27 2018, 19:41

karlypants

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
:facepalm:

1079 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Oct 16 2018, 16:45

Biggie

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Admin
The quadriplegic society will be up in arms if they hear this joke.

http://forum.boltonnuts.co.uk

1080 Re: Joke Thread on Tue Oct 16 2018, 16:52

Natasha Whittam

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
@Biggie wrote:The quadriplegic society will be up in arms if they hear this joke.

Not funny. Fuck off.

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