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Joke Thread

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961 Re: Joke Thread on Mon May 23 2016, 13:53

boltonbonce

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Some good stuff on here this week. I'm sending them to Brucie.

962 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 15 2016, 13:17

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
Two female teachers took a group of students from years 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Haydock Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in year 3?
'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.'

963 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 15 2016, 14:19

boltonbonce

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
:rofl:

964 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 22 2016, 11:08

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them;
They could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”
Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”
Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”
Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

965 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 22 2016, 11:08

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
My missus packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door,she screamed,"I wish you a slow and painful death,you bastard" "Oh,"I replied,"So now you want me to fucking stay!"..

966 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 22 2016, 11:13

boltonbonce

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Stop making me laugh. I'm supposed to be weeding the garden. sunny

967 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 22 2016, 11:22

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
I hope you're not using any dangerous tools. You're half way through the week and have so far avoided a trip to a&e. Don't take any unnecessary risks.  Very Happy

968 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 22 2016, 12:20

boltonbonce

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Bwfc1958 wrote:I hope you're not using any dangerous tools. You're half way through the week and have so far avoided a trip to a&e. Don't take any unnecessary risks.  Very Happy
It's tough out there. But I never give up.

969 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 22 2016, 13:57

whatsgoingon

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
A man answers a knock at his front door and when he opens it he sees a snail on the doorstep looking up at him, he bends down and picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
2 years later there's a knock at his door and when he he opens it he sees the snail on the doorstep who looks up at him and says "what was all that about"

970 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 22 2016, 13:59

boltonbonce

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Very Happy

971 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 22 2016, 14:13

karlypants

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
whatsgoingon wrote:A man answers a knock at his front door and when he opens it he sees a snail on the doorstep looking up at him, he bends down and picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
2 years later there's a knock at his door and when he he opens it he sees the snail on the doorstep who looks up at him and says "what was all that about"
lol!

972 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 22 2016, 14:27

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
Mick and Paddy are out hunting pheasant when they meet the farmers daughter sitting there naked enjoying the sun.
Paddy says "are you game?"
She says "I sure am baby"
So Mick shot her...

973 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 22 2016, 14:30

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
The police came to the front door last night holding a picture of the wife,
The officer said..."Is this your wife Sir?"
Shocked, I said, "Yes"
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus.!!"
I said."I know but she takes it up the arse, and she's good with the kids...."

974 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 22 2016, 14:34

whatsgoingon

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
Bwfc1958 wrote:The police came to the front door last night holding a picture of the wife,
The officer said..."Is this your wife Sir?"
Shocked, I said, "Yes"
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus.!!"
I said."I know but she takes it up the arse, and she's good with the kids...."
:rofl:

975 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 22 2016, 14:38

karlypants

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Bwfc1958 wrote:The police came to the front door last night holding a picture of the wife,
The officer said..."Is this your wife Sir?"
Shocked, I said, "Yes"
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus.!!"
I said."I know but she takes it up the arse, and she's good with the kids...."
Laughing some good jokes today!

976 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 22 2016, 14:42

whatsgoingon

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
Little Tommy went in the bathroom while his mum was in the bath, when he saw her he pointed between her legs and said whats that?
his mum embarrassed and not knowing what to say said it's where you're dad hit me with an axe,
to which Tommy replied what a shot, right in the cunt

977 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 22 2016, 14:50

Guest


Guest
A Scottish man walked into a bar, there used to be an English man, Irish man and Welsh man in this joke but they are all in France.

978 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jun 22 2016, 14:53

whatsgoingon

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Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
Barb Dwyer wrote:A Scottish man walked into a bar, there used to be an English man, Irish man and Welsh man in this joke but they are all in France.
Very Happy

979 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Jun 24 2016, 13:28

Boggersbelief

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Brexit - What a fat bitch from Barnsley does when she sits on a plastic garden chair.

980 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Jun 24 2016, 13:30

boltonbonce

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Very Happy I thought Nat was from Preston.

981 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jun 26 2016, 10:29

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch....

982 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jun 26 2016, 10:30

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
Paddy and Seamus,in a boarding house in London. Writing letters home. Paddy stops writing and says....
"Hey, Seamus, how do you spell "dattle"?
"Jaysus, sure I've never even heard that word before, how would ya use it in a sentence?"
"I said...dear Ma, please send a wooly jumper dattle fit me"
Seamus just about pisses himself laughing and when he finally calms down he says...
"it's eejits like you that get the Irish a bad name....there's no such word as dattle, ya fuckin gobshite...the word ye want is ...wattle."

983 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jul 17 2016, 22:39

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
An old lady in a nursing home is tearing down the hall in her electric wheelchair when all of a sudden an old man jumps out of a room in front of her. He says ' show me your license.' so the woman pulls a lolly wrapper out of her handbag and gives it to the man. The old man checks the lolly wrapper and says "very well then, be on your way and don't let me catch you speeding again."  so the old lady goes off down the hallway again. A little while later the old lady is speeding again. Again she goes past a room and the old man jumps out in front of her. "Show me your registration papers" said the old man. This time the old lady pulls a shopping receipt out of her bag and hands it to the old man. He checks it and then hands it back to her and says "very well. Be on your way and don't let me catch you speeding again."  The old lady puts the receipt back in her bag and drives off. A little while later she is speeding again and as before the old man jumps out of a room in front of her. This time he is stark naked. The old woman takes one look at him and says, "oh no, not the breathalyzer test again..."

984 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jul 17 2016, 22:52

Guest


Guest
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

985 Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jul 17 2016, 22:55

Guest


Guest
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

986 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jul 20 2016, 15:22

xmiles

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Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo
An Australian farmer is visiting New Zealand and sees a local farmer making out with a sheep.

"Oi, we shear our sheep in Australia" he shouts.

The outraged New Zealander looks up and shouts back "I'm not sharing her with anybody."

987 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jul 20 2016, 15:24

boltonbonce

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
'Making out'.  :rofl:

988 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jul 20 2016, 15:26

xmiles

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Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo
boltonbonce wrote:'Making out'.  :rofl:

Fucking if you prefer.

989 Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jul 20 2016, 15:31

boltonbonce

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Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
I appreciate your trying to be delicate. Making out is better.

990 Re: Joke Thread on Fri Jul 22 2016, 15:45

Bwfc1958

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Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!
A Scottish couple took in a 19-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
“Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to darts,” she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said, “Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.”
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, “Do you shave?”
“No,” replied the girl… “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?”
“Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department … very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, “Did you see it?”
“Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours.”
“Why ever are you worried about that?” she said. “You’ve seen it often enough before.”
“I know,” he said, “but the darts team hadn’t!”

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