So I was pleased when I met Jarvis at the gym, a homosexual man from Preston. A nice guy, someone to hang out with without the fear of him touching me up when I'm gobbling on a Twirl. He's told me all about his past lovers (12 men, 1 transvestite, and 1 horse when he got drunk at university) and what he likes to do in the bedroom (he sounds like KP's type).
But last night he suddenly declares that I am the most beautiful creature he has ever seen and wants to make love to me. He wanted to take my decade old virginity.
I was a bit taken aback, I almost chocked on my Twirl. I'm bloody cursed, everyone wants to have sex with me, even bloody gay blokes. Why am I so irresistible?
What do I do? Jarvis is a good looking bloke but way too camp for my liking. But I don't want to lose a good friend, particularly one who always arrives at my door with a bottle of Pepsi and a Twirl (full size).