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Joke Thread

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541Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Dec 27 2013, 23:02

aaron_bwfc

aaron_bwfc
Moderator
Moderator
@BoltonTillIDie wrote:Phil Brown has emerged as the early favourite for the Cardiff job, owing to his experience of managing with a crazy Tan!

Swine, beat me to it.  lol! 

542Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Dec 30 2013, 14:42

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."

543Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Jan 07 2014, 23:30

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
Man said to his wife, "I'm buying an animal or two. Do you want a goat to keep the grass down, or chickens for eggs?"

She replied, "I'd love a cock to wake me in the mornings for a change.

544Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Jan 07 2014, 23:32

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
What does an illegal immigrant have in common with sperm?

Millions of the fuckers come flooding in and only one bastard works!

545Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Jan 07 2014, 23:49

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
@Spillthebeans wrote:What does an illegal immigrant have in common with sperm?

Millions of the fuckers come flooding in and only one bastard works!

 lol! 

546Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jan 08 2014, 22:46

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
My wife gets everything mixed up nowadays. I get my steak well done, and my blow jobs are rare.

547Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jan 08 2014, 22:59

BoltonTillIDie

BoltonTillIDie
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
lol! 

548Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jan 13 2014, 22:11

NickFazer

NickFazer
El Hadji Diouf
El Hadji Diouf
BREAKING NEWS

Ashley Young has won the FIFA Fellon d'floor Award

549Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Jan 21 2014, 19:40

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
David Moyes has promised that Manchester United will be involved in a major European competition next year.
Even if he has to write the song himself

550Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jan 23 2014, 13:04

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." 

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." 
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. 
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" 
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." 
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." 
"I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?" 

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow it's my fault!” 

551Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jan 23 2014, 20:31

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
Just been watching some ladies golf on TV.

They're useless at driving,but fucking amazing with an iron.

552Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jan 23 2014, 20:32

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
I went to a charity disco last night in aid of women born without any legs. The dance floor was crawling with fanny!

553Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jan 23 2014, 20:33

Natasha Whittam

Natasha Whittam
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
@Spillthebeans wrote:Just been watching some ladies golf on TV.

They're useless at driving,but fucking amazing with an iron.

Sexist.

554Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jan 23 2014, 20:33

Natasha Whittam

Natasha Whittam
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
@Spillthebeans wrote:I went to a charity disco last night in aid of women born without any legs. The dance floor was crawling with fanny!

Insulting.

555Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jan 23 2014, 20:34

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
Bloke walks in to a pub and asks for 12 vodkas. The barman lines them up and watches him knock them back. "Fuckin hell mate! What's the celebration." "First blow job" says the guy. The barman congratulates him. "Let me buy you another one." "Nah. Fuck it. If 12 dont take the taste away, 13 aint gonna!"

556Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jan 23 2014, 20:38

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Q. What goes 'quack quack quack quack quack quack'?  A. Jonathan Ross describing his crazy paving.

557Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sat Jan 25 2014, 10:35

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
A father goes into his daughter's bedroom and sees a letter

addressed to "Mum and Dad" on the bed.
With a heavy heart he opens it and

reads:

Dear Mum & Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm

telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he

is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his stolen

Harley.

But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed

said that we will be very happy in his caravan in Epping Forest. He wants to

have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams

too.

I've learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone

and we'll be growing it for us and Ahmed's friends. They're the ones providing

us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever

want.

In the meantime we'll pray for science to find a

cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better. He deserves

it.

Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for

me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement.

Apparently I can earn £200 per scene. I get a £200 bonus if there are more than

three men in the scene and an extra £100 for the

Alsatian.

Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 14 I know how to take

care of myself. Someday we'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your

grandchildren.

Dad, found the cash you were hiding from Mum,

but don't worry we left you a few quid.

Your loving

daughter,

Angelina.

P. S. Dad. For God's sake calm down. It's not

true. I'm actually watching TV at the neighbours. I just wanted to show you that

there really are worse things in life than England losing the f*****g Ashes.

Have a nice

day!

558Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sat Jan 25 2014, 11:13

Boggersbelief

Boggersbelief
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor. 

"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor. 

"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.

"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.

"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."

559Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sat Jan 25 2014, 11:18

Boggersbelief

Boggersbelief
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Gay man in Nigeria given 40 lashes.

I bet he looks fabulous now.

560Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Jan 26 2014, 14:56

Guest


Guest
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE........

561Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jan 29 2014, 19:30

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
An Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seemed to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

‘No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ...doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ...no mattah ...all f**in same.’

562Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Jan 29 2014, 19:33

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Irish Medical Dictionary

The Irish have the lowest stress rate
because they do not take medical terminology seriously ...
Medical Term
Irish Definition


Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die
Benign - What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan - Searching for Kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker than someone else
Fibula - A small lie
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
Morbid - A higher offer
Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - A letter carrier
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
Rectum - Nearly killed him
Secretion - Hiding something
Seizure - Roman Emperor
Tablet - A small table
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport
Tumour - One plus one more
Urine - Opposite of you're out

563Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Feb 03 2014, 15:51

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday".

564Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Feb 05 2014, 21:35

xmiles

xmiles
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
Aussie trucker and the Emu
 

An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. 

The waitress asks them for their orders. 

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 

'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu. 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays. 

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' 

The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.' 

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..

' Same for me,' says the emu. 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?' 

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. 


My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!' 

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
 
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
>

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

565Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri Feb 07 2014, 21:01

Guest


Guest
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent

566Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun Feb 09 2014, 06:41

Guest


Guest
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!"

567Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Feb 10 2014, 09:09

Triumph


Tony Kelly
Tony Kelly
Joke Thread - Page 19 1743585_10152262214819359_758249841_n_zps88a77600
Nah! keep him in.

568Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Feb 10 2014, 19:15

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.



After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her

He looked at her for a while, then said,
"You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot"

She smiled happily and said ..
"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and
the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.




569Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Wed Feb 12 2014, 12:10

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI



"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."



This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
Liverpudlian youngsters.



The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on
how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels
in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's
existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds
worth of high tech equipment.



It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management
team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an
advantage over every other team.



However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first
practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all
four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had
re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases
of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in
the shower.

570Joke Thread - Page 19 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Feb 17 2014, 08:07

Guest


Guest
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!

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