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Joke Thread

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601Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Apr 21 2014, 17:18

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Good News From Downing Street Concerning Pensions and Benefits


نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه ]دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه=]نور اگر رفت سايه. ررفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايه]يوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيرهماپيدا نيست نقش


602Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Tue Apr 22 2014, 13:37

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
A genuine advert.

Joke Thread - Page 21 2d0kjlf

603Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Apr 28 2014, 19:38

BoltonTillIDie

BoltonTillIDie
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters .... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his fucking pram.

604Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Apr 28 2014, 21:37

Guest


Guest
How The French Military uniform evolved

A long time ago, the British and French were at War. During one battle, the French captured an English major. They took the major to their headquarters and a French general began to question him.

The French general asked 'why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easy targets for us to shoot?'.

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to now, all French army officers wear brown pants.

605Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Apr 28 2014, 21:38

Guest


Guest
As a man of Jewish descent, I don't like jokes about us Jews.
I think they often cement prejudices and misinterpretations of the Jewish people and culture.
But, every now and then, even I enjoy a good laugh and feel that I shouldn't be so serious about everything.

So I have a very good joke about the holocaust here, if anyone wants to buy it.

606Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Apr 28 2014, 21:41

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
@BoltonTillIDie wrote:I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters .... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his fucking pram.
 lol!

607Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Apr 28 2014, 21:48

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Q: What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order? A: "A beer please, and one for the road." 

608Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri May 02 2014, 13:11

Keegan

Keegan
Moderator
Moderator
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, an African and a Jamaican went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai".

https://forum.boltonnuts.co.uk

609Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun May 04 2014, 16:43

Guest


Guest
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put 50 quid in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the 50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

610Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun May 04 2014, 23:16

Mr Magoo

Mr Magoo
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
The last 2 jokes are shit.

611Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sun May 04 2014, 23:20

Mr Magoo

Mr Magoo
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
Wife went mad at me because l didn 't open the car door for her mother.
I just panic 'd and swam for the surface

612Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu May 15 2014, 19:09

BoltonTillIDie

BoltonTillIDie
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Wanderers are monitoring the situation before making a move for Korea's least intelligent footballer, 22 year old striker Sum Dim Twat.

613Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu May 15 2014, 19:10

Natasha Whittam

Natasha Whittam
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
@BoltonTillIDie wrote:Wanderers are monitoring the situation before making a move for Korea's least intelligent footballer, 22 year old striker Sum Dim Twat.

Mods making racist jokes now?

 :trust: 

614Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu May 15 2014, 19:25

MartinBWFC

MartinBWFC
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington
Linford Christie goes to join his local golf club, steward says sorry sir but we don't accept black members here theres a Municipal 10 minutes down the road you can join, but you don't know who I am says Linford, steward retorts I'm sure you're a thoroughly nice chap but we don't acccept black members here, theres a Municipal 10 minutes down the road you can join, but I am Linford Christie, oh sorry says steward, it won't take you that fucking long then.



I'll get me coat.

615Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu May 15 2014, 21:27

Sluffy

Sluffy
Admin
To be honest I find difficulty over jokes like the above two.

The first I found funny and non offensive, the second exactly the opposite.

I'll leave them both up for now but if anyone as the slightest problem with either one please say (or pm me if you rather) and I will take either or both of them down.

I hope that is fair and reasonable to everyone?

616Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu May 15 2014, 21:41

Mr Magoo

Mr Magoo
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
Very Racist, a warning should be put on them, especially Martin Linford cannot run that fast anymore.

617Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu May 15 2014, 22:11

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Humour ,like beauty, is in the eyes of the beholder.

618Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu May 15 2014, 22:16

Mr Magoo

Mr Magoo
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff
Racist

619Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Fri May 16 2014, 08:18

gloswhite

gloswhite
Jay Jay Okocha
Jay Jay Okocha
Sluffy, by raising the point like you did, which you are perfectly entitled to, you are actually making a bigger issue of it, than if you hadn't bothered. You know us lot by now. If we were offended, we would have let you know. Having said that, its good to see that you care about us  Very Happy

620Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sat May 17 2014, 19:53

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
A hunter kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for a clue.
The dad said,"Well, it's what mummy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screams to her brother,
"Don't eat it! It's a fuckin arsehole!

621Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sat May 17 2014, 20:19

Guest


Guest
After having their 11th child, an Burnley couple decided that was enough.

So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin...er wife, didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, sit down, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The guy said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, and I may be from Burnley but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me."

So, the couple drove to Blackburn to get a second opinion.

The Blackburn physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Burnley. This doctor instead told the man to go home and sit down,  get a firework, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, sat down, lit a firework and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6  . . . " at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand....

622Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Sat May 17 2014, 20:27

Guest


Guest
Brilliant !!!

 :rofl:

623Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jun 09 2014, 18:51

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse
Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see
100 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barak goes first.

“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent,
There is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”

David thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks:

“What will England be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he just stares at it.

“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”

David replies,

“Buggered if I know! It's not in English!”

624Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jun 09 2014, 18:59

Guest


Guest
There were two old boys from Ireland who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."

So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

625Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Mon Jun 09 2014, 19:00

Guest


Guest
The sergeant called me into his office. "I've received several complaints about the way you deal with coloured suspects."

"I'm genuinely shocked sarge," I replied. "I've never knowingly been anything other than courteous and polite to the people we pull in. I'm a great believer in innocent until proven guilty regardless of race, creed or colour."

"Exactly," he said. "And it's starting to piss off a lot of your colleagues."

626Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jun 12 2014, 18:09

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is with alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Christine, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on Dick, we're getting out of here."

627Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jun 12 2014, 18:13

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?”

His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an ax.”

628Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jun 12 2014, 18:15

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka
An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that she had never climaxed during sex and by birthright, all Jewish women are entitled to at least one climax during sex.

So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi tells them to get a strong, virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex. This, the rabbi says, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple tries it. After several attempts, still no climax.

They go back to the rabbi. The rabbi says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel. They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming earsplitting climaxes, one after the other.

When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says, "You see, schmuck, THAT's how you wave a towel!"

629Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jun 12 2014, 18:20

Guest


Guest
A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.

A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched Off her top. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched Off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!"

Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the Hell up, will ya?!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now"?

The guy responded, "It's all over your back, dude!!"

630Joke Thread - Page 21 Empty Re: Joke Thread on Thu Jun 12 2014, 18:23

Guest


Guest
Last night my wife asked me what I was doing on the computer. I replied  "Looking for cheap flights" She then said I love you and we had sex for hours. Strange really. She hasn't shown any interest in darts before....

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