Joke Thread

The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

Barb Dwyer wrote:The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

On fire tonight bd. Was it kp?

A piece of string walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool, "Hey bartender, let me get a beer," he says,
The bartender walks up to him and says, "Hey string, you see that sign up there on the wall?"
as he turns and points at the sign...."It says, 'We don't serve strings'"
So the string, saddened by what he now knows, gets up and walks out of the bar.
As the string is walking down the street, he comes up with an idea...
He continues walking until he finds a bum and hollers at him;
"Hey bum!" says the string... "Can you do me a favour?"
The bum looks at him with excitement and responds, "Sure, anything for a string."
So the string continues, "I need you to fray me out..."
The bum does as the string asks so the string is a little happier, but the string still needs one more thing.
"Hey bum," says the string, "Can you do me one more favour?"
The bum replies, "Sure, anything for a string!"
So the string asks him, "Can you tie me in a knot?"
The bum proceeds to tie the string in a knot and the string is now satisfied.
The string turns around and heads right back to the bar he had just came from, walks in, and sits down in the same bar stool he was just in.
"Hey bartender, let me get a beer" says the string.
"Ain't you that string that was just in here?" asks the bartender.
And the string reply's, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

That's my favourite joke ever.

My son is starting school soon but he's worried other kids will pick on him because of his name.

I said,"don't be silly, someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

A couple of naked lesbians burst into my house last night and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.

I tried to help but I could only knock one out.

Just been on bigbustycoons.com.

Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.

Bwfc1958 wrote:Just been on bigbustycoons.com.

Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.

Racist. I presume bans will be forthcoming.

There's nothing racist with Big Bus Tycoons

It's subtle racism. Shame on everyone except me.

A man walks up to the small window at the petrol station. 

"Can I please have a kit Kat chunky?"

The woman goes and gets a kit Kat chunky and brings it back to him.

"No", says the man, "I wanted a normal kit Kat you fat bitch".

Whats the difference between a bitch an a whore?

a whore sleeps with everyone at a party, and a bitch sleeps with everyone at a party except you.

What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

A rabbi cuts them off, A priest sucks them off.

I'm going to rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on wearing a clown wig and make up and only a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a tin of fluorescent paint and a goat, and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint all over the walls, all the while ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off.
After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere.
I will then escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let's see crimewatch stage a fucking reconstruction of that.

A mother is cleaning her sons room when she sees some magazines under his bed.....

Curious, she grabs the magazines  just to find that they are S&M porn magazines. In her horror she screams.

Hearing her screams, the father rushes in, sees the wife crying, sits down next to her on the sons bed and asks "What's wrong?".

Pointing to the magazines in her hand he asks "What are those?" She hands him the magazines.

He flips through them, his eyes widen as he see's some of most explicit and disturbing S&M images his minds could have ever imagined.

The mother, between sobs, asks her husband "What are we ever going to do with this boy?"

The husband replies "Well, I don't know, but I'm not going to spank him, that's for sure!"