Why didn't Ross Kemp just join the army...?

I'm currently watching everybody's favourite Mitchell brother and former punchbag of renowned flame-haired psychopath, Rebekah Brooks meeting some dodgy Pakistani mob-boss type fella on Sky 2 in the latest installment of "Ross Kemp goes abroad and lives out his fantasy of being a hard man who does dangerous shit" and it's confirming something I've thought for a while:

Ross Kemp really, really, really........really wanted to be either a secret agent or, at the very least, an SAS soldier when he was a little lad.

We've seen him in Afghanistan with the troops getting shot at.

We've seen him in the Favellas of Rio....getting shot at by children.

He was in LA desperately trying to stir up shit between the Bloods and the Crips but they staunchly refused to shoot at him, so he came home in a huff.

He even went to Columbia and called some drug lord "a bit of a pussy" in an attempt to get shot at, but the translator got it wrong and the bloke thought Ross was complimenting him on how nice his cat was, so again, he had to come home without his adrenalin rush.

He's just pointed at some bullet holes in a wall and said "Yeah, you can tell they're 7.62" but then he looked past the camera and obviously saw his producer rolling his eyes and stopped himself from further elaborating on how he could tell what caliber bullets had caused the holes by just looking at the holes and not the actual bullets......

Apparently he used to play rugby union every week but had to stop because he kept getting recognised by the opposition and subsequently twatted.

(Well, you would, wouldn't you?)

My point is, Ross obviously wants to carry on this myth that was born with his character Gwant Mitchell.

Gwant was an ex-Para who was dead hard and I think Ross obviously subscribed to Stanislavski's approach to method acting a bit too much.

You're an actor and therefore an utter ponce (Trademark N Whittam), Ross.

Let it go.....

He does my head in, get back to EastEnders you Muppet.

When push comes to shove his a rsole would let him down.

Breadman you don't know what you're talking about (as usual).

While most actors are ponces, Kemp is anything but. I've watched every episode he's ever made and you honestly think he could go into all those situations without any risk? Are you suggesting everyone was an actor and they weren't in some backward 3rd world nation but a building site in Toxteth?

There was one particular episode where he met some gang leader in the jungle and you could just tell the gang were itching to shoot someone - you can't fake stuff like that.

You've completely missed the point of what I was saying. (As usual.)

I'm not for one minute suggesting the situations are faked, just the opposite in fact - the danger is (on occasion) very real.

And that's what he wants.

He's contriving to put himself in harm's way because he wants to show people how hard he is.

But my point is, he's not hard, he's a poncey thesp who obviously has a very long-standing itch that he needs to scratch in full view of the British public on a regular basis.

The wanker.....

The Army definitely needs actors so why not? I've seen "It ain't 'arf 'ot Mum" so I know this for a fact.
But in answer to your question I reckon the telly pays better.
And it's probably safer.

Natasha Whittam wrote:

There was one particular episode where he met some gang leader in the jungle and you could just tell the gang were itching to shoot someone - you can't fake stuff like that.

Is that the one where he grabs the end of the guys gun and forces him to put it down?

I quite like Kemp tbh and some of the things he has made for tv are quite good - he's not half as annoying as bear fucking grilys (sic), he is one arrogant twat.

Ross Kemp looked quite tough in Ultimate Force. I wouldn't like to tackle him if he was tooled up.

Breadman wrote:You've completely missed the point of what I was saying. (As usual.)

I'm not for one minute suggesting the situations are faked, just the opposite in fact - the danger is (on occasion) very real.

And that's what he wants.

He's contriving to put himself in harm's way because he wants to show people how hard he is.

But my point is, he's not hard, he's a poncey thesp who obviously has a very long-standing itch that he needs to scratch in full view of the British public on a regular basis.

The wanker.....

He'd kick the shit out of you that's for sure, the man is strong as an ox.

The twat's at it again tonight on Sky 1.

Running round Syria with the Peshmerga in an ill-fitting helmet, randomly shouting bits of British military jargon that he obviously picked up in Afghanistan when he was out there playing at being a soldier the last time.

"Contact front!"

"Fast air above!"

"He's got a shooter!"

Cunt.

You must have missed the part where Kemp had an AK47 held to his head and Ross calmly covered the gun with his hand and told the dude "you aren't gonna shoot me"

He's a hard bastard and a likeable guy. He's also very fucking funny in Extras

He runs like a biff.

Fuck off.

i have recorded it. I enjoy them.

I've never really seen any of his stuff but Culshaw makes me laugh.........

Enjoy this Breadman, I think there's more chance of "contact rear" based on this there was another which was worse but I can't find it

Breadman wrote:The twat's at it again tonight on Sky 1.

Running round Syria with the Peshmerga in an ill-fitting helmet, randomly shouting bits of British military jargon that he obviously picked up in Afghanistan when he was out there playing at being a soldier the last time.

"Contact front!"

"Fast air above!"

"He's got a shooter!"

Cunt.

I'm feeling a lot of jealousy from your posts.

I have to say that I quite like watching his programs.

He's definitely better at doing these than starring in Eastenders.

Natasha Whittam wrote:

Breadman wrote:The twat's at it again tonight on Sky 1.

Running round Syria with the Peshmerga in an ill-fitting helmet, randomly shouting bits of British military jargon that he obviously picked up in Afghanistan when he was out there playing at being a soldier the last time.

"Contact front!"

"Fast air above!"

"He's got a shooter!"

Cunt.

I'm feeling a lot of jealousy from your posts.

I always imagined breadman to look like a shorter, slightly chubbier Ross Kemp. Don't ask why

Boggersbelief wrote:

Natasha Whittam wrote:

Breadman wrote:The twat's at it again tonight on Sky 1.

Running round Syria with the Peshmerga in an ill-fitting helmet, randomly shouting bits of British military jargon that he obviously picked up in Afghanistan when he was out there playing at being a soldier the last time.

"Contact front!"

"Fast air above!"

"He's got a shooter!"

Cunt.

I'm feeling a lot of jealousy from your posts.

I always imagined breadman to look like a shorter, slightly chubbier Ross Kemp. Don't ask why

is this what you mean

Listen.....

Ross Kemp got twatted by a bird - Fact (Go and google it if you don't believe me.)

So that means he's not that hard.

And before Whittam points out the fact that I too have been sparked out by a bird, let me just say that I agree - I'm not hard and I'm happy and secure enough in that knowledge.

Ross Kemp clearly isn't.

That's why he makes all these shit programmes which are nothing more than vehicles for him to ponce about in a flak vest and helmet and shout bits of military slang and jargon.

He's trying too hard to prove he's not a soft shit.

And failing.

And he looks ridiculous when he runs, the fat twat.