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Joke Thread

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Bwfc1958
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741Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Dec 18 2014, 23:50

Mr Magoo

Mr Magoo
Youri Djorkaeff
Youri Djorkaeff

Keegan wrote:A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.

The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately, Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately.

He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious, the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing...

"Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"
That is a shit joke :shit:

742Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Dec 19 2014, 00:11

Guest


Guest

743Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Dec 19 2014, 04:36

Keegan

Keegan
Admin

It's my Christmas joke, and I know how bad it is. Look out for it again, next year.

https://forum.boltonnuts.co.uk

744Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Jan 01 2015, 13:57

Guest


Guest

An old man was on his death bed.  He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.  “Here’s $30, 000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me”. 

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20, 000 into the envelope because he needed $10, 000 for a new baptistery.  “Well, since we’re confiding in each other”, said the doctor, “I only put $10, 000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20, 000”.  The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you", he exclaimed.  “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30, 000".

745Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 16 2015, 22:55

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Determined to test the theory of Multiculturalism in practise, I walked into an Asian bookshop and asked for a book on UKIP. The owner replied, " Fcuk off, get out and stay out!"

I replied, " Yes, that's the one!"

746Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sat Jan 17 2015, 19:09

MartinBWFC

MartinBWFC
Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo

Reebok Trotter wrote:Determined to test the theory of Multiculturalism in practise, I walked into an Asian bookshop and asked for a book on UKIP. The owner replied, " Fcuk off, get out and stay out!"

I replied, " Yes, that's the one!"

Very Happy

747Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Jan 18 2015, 17:09

Guest


Guest

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob...... I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around...... In fact, probably more than you.

I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt,....... and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.

The man, outraged and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

"Stupid predictive text! Should have read wifi, not "wife".

748Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Jan 18 2015, 18:16

Guest


Guest

Barb Dwyer wrote:A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob...... I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around...... In fact, probably more than you.

I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt,....... and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.

The man, outraged and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

"Stupid predictive text! Should have read wifi, not "wife".
Brilliant

749Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Jan 18 2015, 18:27

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Laughing

750Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Jan 18 2015, 19:20

Guest


Guest

An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking - apparently they were Allied Carpets!

751Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Jan 18 2015, 19:36

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Barb Dwyer wrote:An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking - apparently they were Allied Carpets!
Very Happy

752Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Jan 18 2015, 19:38

karlypants

karlypants
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

lol!

753Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Jan 18 2015, 20:27

Guest


Guest

The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

754Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Jan 18 2015, 20:28

Guest


Guest

Barb Dwyer wrote:The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.
On fire tonight bd. Was it kp?

755Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Jan 18 2015, 20:44

Guest


Guest

A piece of string walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool, "Hey bartender, let me get a beer," he says,
The bartender walks up to him and says, "Hey string, you see that sign up there on the wall?"
as he turns and points at the sign...."It says, 'We don't serve strings'"
So the string, saddened by what he now knows, gets up and walks out of the bar.
As the string is walking down the street, he comes up with an idea...
He continues walking until he finds a bum and hollers at him;
"Hey bum!" says the string... "Can you do me a favour?"
The bum looks at him with excitement and responds, "Sure, anything for a string."
So the string continues, "I need you to fray me out..."
The bum does as the string asks so the string is a little happier, but the string still needs one more thing.
"Hey bum," says the string, "Can you do me one more favour?"
The bum replies, "Sure, anything for a string!"
So the string asks him, "Can you tie me in a knot?"
The bum proceeds to tie the string in a knot and the string is now satisfied.
The string turns around and heads right back to the bar he had just came from, walks in, and sits down in the same bar stool he was just in.
"Hey bartender, let me get a beer" says the string.
"Ain't you that string that was just in here?" asks the bartender.
And the string reply's, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

756Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Jan 18 2015, 20:48

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Very Happy :facepalm:

757Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Jan 18 2015, 20:52

Guest


Guest

That's my favourite joke ever.

758Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Jan 18 2015, 21:11

BoltonTillIDie

BoltonTillIDie
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Smile

759Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Jan 19 2015, 14:05

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

My son is starting school soon but he's worried other kids will pick on him because of his name.

I said,"don't be silly, someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

760Joke Thread - Page 38 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Jan 19 2015, 14:11

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

A couple of naked lesbians burst into my house last night and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.

I tried to help but I could only knock one out.

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