I've Joined A Dating Website Part II

Those of you that follow my work closely will remember that this time last year I joined a dating website to improve my chances of meeting a potential partner. There are only so many Championship level footballers with blow-torches you can put up with, so I thought going online might bring me into a contact with a better class of man.

To be honest I quickly gave up on the dating website as it seemed to be frequented by freaks and weirdos, a bit like Bolton Nuts but with more photos of the male penis.

Anyway, I realised a few weeks back that my mistake was signing up to a free dating website like 'Plenty of Fish'. I've been told it's just a playground for married people to have affairs, or shy people to pretend they're in a relationship just because they message a woman 250 miles away. No one is interested in a long term relationship.

So I decided to sign up for a dating website where you had to pay for membership. I chose e-Harmony as it's pretty well known. Surely the fact you had to front up with your credit card would put off the timewasters who had no intention of a meaningful relationship? How wrong I was.

I did everything by the book this time. I chose 5 photographs, of which none showed my singed minge or Businesswoman of the Year trophies, and wrote a brief description of myself. Here it is:

31 year old woman seeks man aged 35-45 for meaningful relationship. I am funny, intelligent and loving and expect you to be the same. Men who are intimidated by successful women should not reply. Ditto men who think it's a turn on to introduce themselves with a photo of their tiny genitalia. Messages from professional footballers playing in anything but the Premier League will be ignored.

Anyway, after two weeks of being on e-Harmony it is clear I am going to die alone with my stash of Twirls. Here is a selection of the replies:

Dave, 41, Bury wrote:Hi Natasha, you look familiar. Do you go dogging in Worsley every Sunday evening?

Victor, 38, Wirral wrote:can I smash your front doors in? will settle for back doors if I must

Mark, 35, Salford wrote:You said not to send photos of small genitalia but what about big ones? I'm ready with my camera.

Daz, 43, Morecambe wrote:will you marry me please natasha I just wanked to your pics. my mum not happy

Simon, 58, Manchester wrote:Hello Natasha, I'm not in your age range but I've been told I look much younger than 58 and my last girlfriend was only 34. I have a flash motor and big cock, surely that makes up for my age?

Gerry, 44, Chorley wrote:do you do home visits? my wife is out every Tuesday & Thursday evening.

Jason, 24, Fulwood wrote:I love to fuck older women. Message me back.

Annie, 37, Horwich wrote:have u ever drunk from the furry cup

Gary, 45, Chorley wrote:I'm into watersports and I don't mean surfing. Does that turn you on? If it does I can be pissed on every evening between 6-8pm as my wife has spin class.

Darren, 36, Warrington wrote:I'm a 36 year old virgin with no experience of women. I'm tired of masturbating every night to Babestation, I think I have a lot to offer the right woman. Does my lack of experience bother you?

Ken, 44, Bolton wrote:r u my barbie?

Trevor, 48, Liverpool wrote:Hi Nat, do you do 3somes? My wife is 29 and seriously hot but aches to experience another woman while I watch. Can pay travel expenses.

Harry, 40, Kendal wrote:i'm typing with my left hand wanking with my right

Jack, 39, Garstang wrote:by meaningful relationship do you mean using a condom?

Clive, 37, Manchester wrote:I'm dating a giant with large hands. Help!

Ivan, 42, Carnforth wrote:you look like you take it up the arse

Colin, 45, Burnley wrote:you look just like my sister

Frank, 43, Bolton wrote:I havnt had sex for over 3 years - can u help me

David, 36, Blackpool wrote:whats your sexual fantasy natasha? mine is to gobble on a cock while you watch.

Magoo, 49, Devon wrote:i've been alone with these animals to long

Jake, 34, Salford wrote:do you have cam so I can wank for you

Tom, 34, Lancaster wrote:have you ever been smothered in chocolate natasha?

Karl, 29, Bolton wrote:Have you ever visited Bargain Booze

Kelvin, 44, Manchester wrote:do you fuck on the first date?

As you can see, the internet is just full of perverts. Why can't I find a decent man? Some of you bellends are on your second or third marriage, why can't I find just one?

Think you missed your chance when you pissed Amos off, just think about the special relationship you two could have had.

"... but with more photos of the male penis."




As opposed to.......?

It's a strange world Breadman, you'd be surprised.

That Magoo fella sounds a right bellend.

The rest sound like a good match up for you, Nat.You got lucky .

Why don't you just go out and try and meet someone in a bar?

Stick some slap on, bang a pair of socks down your bra, bit of mouthwash and away you go.

Mr Right may be closer than you think.

And maybe...just maybe you're setting the bar too high (Clive being the exception obviously) because you're judging any potential suitors against the type of blokes you interact with on here.

And we're all dead clever and successful and funny and stuff.

Not all blokes are as brilliant as us lot - we're unrepresentative of the populace at large.

Just try it.

There must be a Weatherspoons near where you live. Go and sit at the bar for a bit and I guarantee you'll have an evening to remember.

Breadman wrote:Why don't you just go out and try and meet someone in a bar?

Have you seen the size of him, you'd need a dumper truck to take him to a bar