Joke Thread

OneFinFreedman wrote:A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little.

 

xmiles wrote:Australian: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Australian: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."

 

Two Chinese men break into a distillery. One turns to the other, " Isn't this whisky?"

The other replies, " Of course, but not as whisky as wobbing a bank."

A man walks into a brothel and takes a young prostitute up to a spare room, he asks her for a 69.

They get into position and begin, 2minutes into the act she farts in his face but appologises, another 2minutes later she does it again.

The man turns around and says ''if you think i'm paying for another 67 of those you can think again''

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
   

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.   Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.  That's a lot.  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.      Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.   A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...       Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!   An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan !  He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats!  It’s doing well!  Prophets are going through the roof!!   Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.   A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, I took the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!     Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!   My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.  Turns out she was a Slovak.   Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.  If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Some little gems there!

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey

The Pope is handing out miracles to sick children in Liverpool
Billy walks on stage and asks “can you help me with my hearing”
The Pope says “Yes” and puts his hands on Billy’s ears and prays
Then the Pope says “How is your hearing now?”
Billy says “I don’t know, it’s not ‘til next Wednesday”

Man walks into library and asks if there's a book on committing suicide available?
Librarian says fuck off you won't bring it back!!

Just got the tree and decorations down from the loft and found a present I forgot to give the kids last year...pretty gutted really cause I know they would have loved a kitten!

What is a Dilemma?


A student asked his English professor to define a dilemma. The professor said there's nothing better than an example.

"Imagine you are lying in bed with a beautiful naked woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?"

Reebok Trotter wrote:What is a Dilemma?


A student asked his English professor to define a dilemma. The professor said there's nothing better than an example.

"Imagine you are lying in bed with a beautiful naked woman on one side and a gay man on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?"

  

I'm sick of sweaters for Christmas, I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer!

A teacher goes round the class asking the kids what they need at home.
Sue says a computer to which the teacher says that's useful.
Billy says a new lawn mower and receives a similar response.
Little Johnny responds they have a requirement for nothing to which the teacher asks him to think again.
Little Johnny confirms this by telling the class when his sister started dating a MUFC fan that his dad had stated that's the last fucking thing we need!!

Modified slightly for PC reasons!!!!!

The wife has just come back from a visit to the Doctor and informed me that she is suffering from an iron deficiency.........

That's her Christmas present sorted.....