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Bolton Nuts » BWFC » Wandering Minds » Joke Thread

Joke Thread

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okocha
wanderlust
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sunlight
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Angry Dad
Fabians Right Peg
Spillthebeans
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scottjames30
DEANO82
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MartinBWFC
whatsgoingon
xmiles
finlaymcdanger
Bwfc1958
boltonbonce
Reebok Trotter
29 posters

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1Joke Thread Empty Joke Thread Mon Jul 25 2016, 18:21

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

RECENTLY HEARD AN ELDERLY LADY SAYING A PRAYER:-
 
"Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me”.
You have taken my favourite actor--- Patrick MacNee,

my favourite horror actor 
          Christopher Lee,

my favourite comedian --- Robin Williams,
my favourite singer----Joe Cocker,
my favourite entertainer----David Bowie
my favourite author-----Tom Clancy.
and, finally, my favourite presenter------
          Sir Terry Wogan

So Lord. I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are
David Cameron, Nigel Farrage, Donald J Trump and that stupid bitch from        Scotland.

Amen.”

2Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Aug 10 2016, 21:04

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

3Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Aug 12 2016, 13:34

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt....

4Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Aug 12 2016, 13:46

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

Ive just opened a bakery & a woman rang me to ask if i can make her a happy birthday cake with i suck cocks written on it, i thought it rather strange but made it anyway. When i delivered it Mrs Cox wasnt very happy & neither was her son Issac...

5Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Aug 14 2016, 18:05

Guest


Guest

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex.

My girlfriend has taken no notice and insists it says dyslexia

6Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Sat Aug 20 2016, 16:15

finlaymcdanger

finlaymcdanger
El Hadji Diouf
El Hadji Diouf

Reebok Trotter wrote:RECENTLY HEARD AN ELDERLY LADY SAYING A PRAYER:-
 
"Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me”.
You have taken my favourite actor--- Patrick MacNee,

my favourite horror actor 
          Christopher Lee,

my favourite comedian --- Robin Williams,
my favourite singer----Joe Cocker,
my favourite entertainer----David Bowie
my favourite author-----Tom Clancy.
and, finally, my favourite presenter------
          Sir Terry Wogan

So Lord. I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are
David Cameron, Nigel Farrage, Donald J Trump and that stupid bitch from        Scotland.

Amen.”

This made me laugh so much. I still can't stop... f* funny

7Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Aug 23 2016, 09:45

xmiles

xmiles
Jay Jay Okocha
Jay Jay Okocha

In case you haven't seen this - my favourite is the Gary Delaney one.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-37154550

8Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Sep 15 2016, 11:01

whatsgoingon

whatsgoingon
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington

A car ran into the back of me at the lights, when I got out I saw it was driven by a chocolate bar.
It must have been a careless whispa

9Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Sep 15 2016, 12:59

MartinBWFC

MartinBWFC
Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo

whatsgoingon wrote:A car ran into the back of me at the lights, when I got out I saw it was driven by a chocolate bar.
It must have been a careless whispa
Oh dear. Evil or Very Mad

10Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Sep 15 2016, 14:15

whatsgoingon

whatsgoingon
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington

MartinBWFC wrote:
whatsgoingon wrote:A car ran into the back of me at the lights, when I got out I saw it was driven by a chocolate bar.
It must have been a careless whispa
Oh dear. Evil or Very Mad
You fakkin lav it

11Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Sep 15 2016, 16:40

gloswhite

gloswhite
Guðni Bergsson
Guðni Bergsson

Are you sure it wasn't a Crunchie ?

12Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Sep 15 2016, 21:32

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

Three Parrots for sale, £100, £200 & £15. A woman asks "why is that parrot so cheap?" the shopkeeper replies "because it used to live in a brothel". The woman thinks its funny & buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says "fuck me a new brothel" the woman laughs. Her two daughters come home and parrot says "fuck me new prostitutes" the girls laugh. The husband comes home & the parrot says "fuck me Keith, I havent seen you for weeks!"

13Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Sep 15 2016, 21:56

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

14Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Sep 15 2016, 23:09

whatsgoingon

whatsgoingon
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington

Bwfc1958 wrote:The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
Very Happy

15Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Sep 16 2016, 10:13

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Bwfc1958 wrote:The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Good one!  :like:

16Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Sep 16 2016, 10:18

Reebok Trotter

Reebok Trotter
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, " Nine."
Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten.

" Sorry to spoil your evening, " said his friend, " but when I walked in they were speaking German."

17Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Sep 16 2016, 11:39

whatsgoingon

whatsgoingon
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington

Reebok Trotter wrote:A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, " Nine."
Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten.

" Sorry to spoil your evening, " said his friend, " but when I walked in they were speaking German."
Like it

18Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Sat Sep 17 2016, 20:21

DEANO82

DEANO82
Tony Kelly
Tony Kelly

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.


The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"


The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady.  I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."


The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"


He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?


Now, that's a Businessman!

19Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Sep 18 2016, 21:46

DEANO82

DEANO82
Tony Kelly
Tony Kelly

Joke Thread 1NeSlEHQ

20Joke Thread Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Sep 18 2016, 21:49

DEANO82

DEANO82
Tony Kelly
Tony Kelly

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry:
'Pants..'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands...'
The principal was trembling.
Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade; I got the last seven questions wrong...'

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