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Bolton Nuts » BWFC » Wandering Minds » Joke Thread

Joke Thread

+25
okocha
wanderlust
terenceanne
sunlight
Natasha Whittam
Leeds_Trotter
y2johnny
Angry Dad
Fabians Right Peg
Spillthebeans
Sluffy
Biggie
BoltonTillIDie
Bread2.0
karlypants
scottjames30
DEANO82
gloswhite
MartinBWFC
whatsgoingon
xmiles
finlaymcdanger
Bwfc1958
boltonbonce
Reebok Trotter
29 posters

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41Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 06 2017, 10:44

whatsgoingon

whatsgoingon
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington

Bwfc1958 wrote:A man sees a sign outside a house:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid!" The owner says.
"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!"
Brilliant  Very Happy

42Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 06 2017, 10:53

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

I laughed so hard I had to take my specs off. I broke the arm on them. Again.

I'll be sending someone the bill. Razz

43Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 06 2017, 14:36

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. The doctor said "When you feel you are ready to ejaculate try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion he ran home to his wife. At home he foung his wife in bed naked and waiting. As the two began they found themselves in the 69 postion. The man moments later felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired off the starter pistol. The next day the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked "How did it go?" The man answered "Not that well. When i fired the pistol my wife shit in my face, bit my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

44Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Jan 06 2017, 14:55

whatsgoingon

whatsgoingon
Frank Worthington
Frank Worthington

A man is fishing and he catches a crocodile. The crocodile tells him, "Please let me go! I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man says, "Okay, I wish my penis could touch the ground." The crocodile then bites his legs off. 

45Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Jan 12 2017, 19:57

BoltonTillIDie

BoltonTillIDie
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Saw this on a bolton Facebook page

Joke Thread - Page 3 Img_2410

46Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Feb 19 2017, 22:29

Biggie

Biggie
Admin

BoltonTillIDie wrote:Saw this on a bolton Facebook page

Joke Thread - Page 3 Img_2410

That is pretty impressive!

http://boltonnuts.forumotion.co.uk

47Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Feb 28 2017, 15:00

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 3 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 5 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

48Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sat Mar 18 2017, 23:25

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’
The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’ 
The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’ 
The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’ 
The first one responds, ‘So am I!’ 
‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’ 
The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’
The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’


The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’
The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’ 
The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’ 
The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’
About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink. 
Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’ 
Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’ 
‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’

49Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Mar 21 2017, 22:25

Bwfc1958

Bwfc1958
Tinned Toms - You know it makes sense!

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm fuckin driving."

50Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun May 21 2017, 07:03

DEANO82

DEANO82
Tony Kelly
Tony Kelly

At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says, 
"I need a favor. I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him
in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"

Irving is not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.

After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions - just to keep him occupied.

After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, 
"Irving what are you really up to?"

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and says, "You better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago

51Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Wed Jun 28 2017, 21:53

Sluffy

Sluffy
Admin

Joke Thread - Page 3 DDWnizMXoAAacxS

Very Happy

52Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Jul 06 2017, 14:20

terenceanne

terenceanne
El Hadji Diouf
El Hadji Diouf

Three Ducks go into a Bar .....

What's your name? the bartender asks the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball.  Been in and out of Puddles all day. What else could a duck want?, said Huey.

Oh that's nice said the bartender as he turned to the second duck. And what's your name?


Dewey came the answer from duck number two.

So how's your day been Dewey? he asked

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of Puddles all day myself, What else could a duck want?


The bartender turned to the third duck and said so you must be Louie?

No she said batting her eye lashes.

"My name is Puddles."

53Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Tue Aug 22 2017, 01:04

Sluffy

Sluffy
Admin

The top 15 funniest jokes from the 2017 Edinburgh Fringe

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-40999000

54Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Sun Sep 03 2017, 20:27

Spillthebeans

Spillthebeans
Nicolas Anelka
Nicolas Anelka

Mick goes into Wexford County Council and applies for a job. The interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes caffeine. I cant drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the Irish army? "Yes, I was in the lebanon for 3 years." The interviewer says, "That will give you an extra 5 points towards employment." Then he asks "Are you disabled in any way?".
Mick says, Yes a bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer says "Disabled in the line of duty for your Country! Well that qualifies you for bonus points.
Okay. You have enough points, I can hire you right now. Our normal working hours are from 8.00 am to 4.00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10.00am and plan on starting at 10.00 am every day.
Mick is a bit confused and asks, "if the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why dont you want me here till 10.00am?" The interviewer says, "This is the Council , for the first 2 hours we stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

55Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Mon Sep 04 2017, 12:39

MartinBWFC

MartinBWFC
Ivan Campo
Ivan Campo

Spillthebeans wrote:Mick goes into Wexford County Council and applies for a job. The interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes caffeine. I cant drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the Irish army? "Yes, I was in the lebanon for 3 years." The interviewer says, "That will give you an extra 5 points towards employment." Then he asks "Are you disabled in any way?".
Mick says, Yes a bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer says "Disabled in the line of duty for your Country! Well that qualifies you for bonus points.
Okay. You have enough points, I can hire you right now. Our normal working hours are from 8.00 am to 4.00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10.00am and plan on starting at 10.00 am every day.
Mick is a bit confused and asks, "if the work hours are from 8am to 4pm, why dont you want me here till 10.00am?" The interviewer says, "This is the Council , for the first 2 hours we stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Very Happy

56Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Sep 21 2017, 22:03

Sluffy

Sluffy
Admin

12 Great One Liners

Here are twelve classic one-liners from some masters of the craft. Are they the best ever told?

Tim Vine – “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes”
Joan Rivers – “All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
Woody Allen – “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.”
Ken Dodd – “I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.”
Bob Monkhouse – “I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”
Jo Brand – "The way to a man's heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife."
Milton Jones – “I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”
Ross Noble – “How come Miss Universe is only ever won by people from Earth?”
Jimmy Carr – “A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘Alright, but we won’t get much done.”
Sarah Millican – "I saw a pair of knickers today – on the front it said, 'I would do anything for love' and on the back it said 'but I won't do that.'"
Tommy Cooper – "Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
Jack Whitehall – “I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

57Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Sep 22 2017, 03:58

xmiles

xmiles
Jay Jay Okocha
Jay Jay Okocha

Sluffy wrote:12 Great One Liners

Here are twelve classic one-liners from some masters of the craft. Are they the best ever told?

Tim Vine – “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes”
Joan Rivers – “All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”
Woody Allen – “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.”
Ken Dodd – “I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.”
Bob Monkhouse – “I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”
Jo Brand – "The way to a man's heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife."
Milton Jones – “I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”
Ross Noble – “How come Miss Universe is only ever won by people from Earth?”
Jimmy Carr – “A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘Alright, but we won’t get much done.”
Sarah Millican – "I saw a pair of knickers today – on the front it said, 'I would do anything for love' and on the back it said 'but I won't do that.'"
Tommy Cooper – "Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
Jack Whitehall – “I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."


Laughing Laughing Laughing All good!

58Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Sep 22 2017, 13:33

boltonbonce

boltonbonce
Nat Lofthouse
Nat Lofthouse

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese didn't invent custard.

Never trust a man with short legs....his brain's too near his bottom.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

The film industry is like Anne Robinson.....always on the lookout for a new face.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

59Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Fri Sep 22 2017, 13:39

Fabians Right Peg

Fabians Right Peg
Andy Walker
Andy Walker

boltonbonce wrote:War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

God bless Nambia

60Joke Thread - Page 3 Empty Re: Joke Thread Thu Oct 05 2017, 22:37

Biggie

Biggie
Admin

I like what the feminists achieved against all the odds. You really do have to take your bra off to them.
- biggie

http://boltonnuts.forumotion.co.uk

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