Joke Thread

Edinburgh Fringe best jokes - 2018

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day". - Adam Rowe.

"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse

"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel

"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt

"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan

"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh

"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse

"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff

"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman

"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-45238696

MartinBWFC wrote:

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkina, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan,
a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Jap, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner,a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran,a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scot, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean walk up to a nightclub. The doorman stops them and says, "Sorry, you can't go in without a Thai."

I bet people love being told that joke

The quadriplegic society will be up in arms if they hear this joke.

Biggie wrote:The quadriplegic society will be up in arms if they hear this joke.

Not funny. Fuck off.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.  He was grateful but said how did I not know he was a serial killer?  So i said the chances of their being two in one car are astronomical.

Just downloaded the Queen film Bohemian Rhapsody. Wasn't the best copy, it looked like it had been filmed in a cinema because I see a little silhouette of a man.

A mate of mine has got his kids a trampoline and two bikes off the internet, I asked him which site he used, google earth he said

I don't get it.

Natasha Whittam wrote:I don't get it.

Me too.

Bloke meets his mate in the pub and comments on how chipper he was looking today. 
“You look really well mate - had a good day?”
“Amazing mate” he replies. “Best day in years”
“How come?” Asks his pal.

“Well, I was walking the dog down by the railway line and I found this gorgeous woman tied to the tracks, so I untied her.”

“What happened then mate?” Asks his buddy.

“We made passionate love at the side of the railway all afternoon and in every conceivable position. It was the best sex I’ve ever had, just incredible”

“Wow mate - no wonder you look in such a good mood. Did you get a blow job as well then?”

“Naw pal” he says. “Never did find the head”

Seeing as nobody seems to want to share anymore, here's an oldie..

It's Fred's anniversary and his missus says "tell you what - pick up your favourite food on your way home from work and I'll make us a lovely romantic dinner for two tonight"

"What, snails?" he says.
"yes darlin - get some snails on your way home and I'll be ready"

After work, Fred buys a bag of snails, and is on his way home when he runs into his mate George who asks him how it's going. 
"It's my anniversary mate, so the missus is going to cook us lovely romantic meal"

"Your anniversary? Well you've got to have a pint in the Dog and Duck with me to celebrate"
"I can't" says Fred - "I promised the missus"

"Go on - just the one" says George, and reluctantly, Fred agrees.

At half ten, Fred is at his front door, fumbling with his keys when the bottom drops out of the now soggy bag of snails and they all fall onto the doormat.
Just then the door swings open and his furious missus yells at him. 
"Where the f*** have you been? I've been waiting all night for you!"

Fred looks down at the snails on the doormat and says....




"Not far to go now lads..."

Today I went past the old house I used to live in. I asked the owners if I could look around for old times sake? They said ‘No”... parents can be so mean sometimes.