Joke Thread

My new Muslim girlfriend keeps hinting about a blowjob. I don't know whether to get my todger out or warn London transport....

Little Jimmy comes home from school .... Dad asks "how was the sex education class"

little Jimmy replies .... "not bad, but it sure makes your arse hurt"

What's the similarity between a rowing boat of Irish sailors and a used condom?

They are both full of thick seamen.

A Chinese man was lying in bed with his wife .....

He says to the wife, "I could use a bit of 69"

The wife goes "what the hell do you want Chicken & Noodles now for"

Hilarious!

https://youtu.be/kh4px0TROSw

Freddy Starr, DLT, Max Clifford and Stuart Hall have joined forces to form a new boy band sponsored by Viagra. 'One Erection' will be releasing ' Sweet child of mine' just in time for Xmas.

Breaking News..... Nurse Jucintha Sadanhas has turned up safe and well. In a phone call to the Australian DJ's concerned, she said, ' Beat that for a fucking wind-up'.

Reebok Trotter wrote:Freddy Starr, DLT, Max Clifford and Stuart Hall have joined forces to form a new boy band sponsored by Viagra. 'One Erection' will be releasing ' Sweet child of mine' just in time for Xmas.

 

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor Rumanian orphans. I had to decline the purchase because knowing my luck I would probably bloody win one!

I bought a Xmas tree today and the assistant asked me, ' Are you putting it up yourself'?

Somewhat taken aback, I replied, ' No you sick bastard. It's for my living room'

Don't buy one of the latest Jimmy Savile advent calendars. They are crap. You can only get the flaps open from 1 to 15.

Reebok Trotter wrote:Don't buy one of the latest Jimmy Savile advent calendars. They are crap. You can only get the flaps open from 1 to 15.

Sick.

Sick ? Humour is the best medicine.

The British Way
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess.
It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a fucking tie!”

The kids might take the piss out of my Alzheimers but I will have the last laugh when they wake up on Christmas morning to find no eggs under the bonfire.

Well done RT, pee'd myself when I saw this one

"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"


By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

I am sure I have spoken to this person, or at least his brother


The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ...

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud , pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. Ansahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulaisahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No?Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes'
means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...WhyUoo donwan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea.. meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"


Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
......and you do, don't you?!!!

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing ?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots'? He asks. 'What's that supposed to mean ?'

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your
money back.

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!"