Joke Thread

After having their 11th child, an Burnley couple decided that was enough.

So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin...er wife, didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, sit down, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The guy said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, and I may be from Burnley but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is gonna help me."

So, the couple drove to Blackburn to get a second opinion.

The Blackburn physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Burnley. This doctor instead told the man to go home and sit down,  get a firework, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, sat down, lit a firework and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6  . . . " at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand....

Brilliant !!!

 

Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see
100 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barak goes first.

“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent,
There is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”

David thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks:

“What will England be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he just stares at it.

“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”

David replies,

“Buggered if I know! It's not in English!”

There were two old boys from Ireland who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."

So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

The sergeant called me into his office. "I've received several complaints about the way you deal with coloured suspects."

"I'm genuinely shocked sarge," I replied. "I've never knowingly been anything other than courteous and polite to the people we pull in. I'm a great believer in innocent until proven guilty regardless of race, creed or colour."

"Exactly," he said. "And it's starting to piss off a lot of your colleagues."

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is with alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Christine, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on Dick, we're getting out of here."

A big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?”

His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed, put your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an ax.”

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that she had never climaxed during sex and by birthright, all Jewish women are entitled to at least one climax during sex.

So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi tells them to get a strong, virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex. This, the rabbi says, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple tries it. After several attempts, still no climax.

They go back to the rabbi. The rabbi says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel. They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming earsplitting climaxes, one after the other.

When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says, "You see, schmuck, THAT's how you wave a towel!"

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.

A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched Off her top. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched Off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!"

Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the Hell up, will ya?!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now"?

The guy responded, "It's all over your back, dude!!"

Last night my wife asked me what I was doing on the computer. I replied  "Looking for cheap flights" She then said I love you and we had sex for hours. Strange really. She hasn't shown any interest in darts before....

I knew that was cumming !

I tried mugging an old aged pensioner yesterday.

I said, "Give me all your money now, bitch, or you're geography."

"Don't you mean history?" she replied.

I said, "Don't try to change the subject."

Big problems in the Irish men's synchronised swimming team, with Patrick and Sean fighting in public. Turns out, after investigation, it was because Patrick had accused Sean of copying him !

Three ladies were on a flight, when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing." The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich, and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and knickers. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my cock in her mouth

Three ladies were on a flight, when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing." The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich, and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and knickers. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."

Reebok Trotter wrote:Three ladies were on a flight, when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing." The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich, and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and knickers. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."

  (I found it funnier Wednesday  when I posted it though.)

OneFinFreedman wrote:

Reebok Trotter wrote:Three ladies were on a flight, when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing." The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich, and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and knickers. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."

  (I found it funnier Wednesday  when I posted it though.)

Sorry OneF, I had it sent me as an e-mail today and missed it on the joke thread!