Joke Thread

A starving asylum seeker is greeted at Dover
by a good fairy who grants him 3 wishes. The Asylum seeker says "I'm
hungry." (POW) a hug banquet appears! He then says "Now I want a nice
house." (POW) a big mansion with a swimming pool appears. He then says"I
want to be British." (POW) everything vanishes! He asks "Where has
everything gone?" the fairy says "You're British now mate, you're
Entitled to fuck all."

Stolen from another site:

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Copper Dragon wrote:

B&Q have been dragged into the meat scandal! They've been selling wooden floors with Laminate...

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

Tesco are in trouble again as its been discovered that their Value Lager is 70% horse piss

As they lay frozen side by side in the lasagne, Shergar turned to Black beauty and said. 'Great hiding place, but I knew they'd Findus' (ok, ok, I'm leaving)

Richard III holds the record for staying in a car park the longest, but did you know the second place goes to Peter Odemwingie ?

I just found the cure to homosexuality.. It's lip balm. You rub it on your arse and it keeps the chaps away.

BREAKING NEWS............... BREAKING NEWS...........

Police have discovered a diary with the names of 5 other women
Oscar Pistorious was planning to assassinate, they've called it 'Shinless List'

What is blue and smells of Haribo ????

Kevin Websters overalls.

Blind school out on a roadtrip, after about 2 hours teacher thinks it's about time the kids had a break, spotting a pub teacher thinks perfeect beer garden for kids, teacher goes in orders all the drinks, barman asks who are all these for, teacher replies I am a teacher at the blind school and I am on a roadtrip with the kids, barman asks is it not a bit dangerous to leave blind kids outside on their own, no replies teacher they are playing football, barman in hysterics asks how is it possible, ah says teacher I have a special ball made for them, it's full of bells so they just folloow the sound of the bells, at that a man comes running in asking who's in charge of the blind kids, me says the teacher why whats wrong, well you better get out there they're kicking fuck out of a morris dancer.

that made me

That's brilliant.

A film crew had just finished filming day one of a new project in the desert when the Director asked everybody if they knew the weather forecast for the following day . An old Indian arms crossed and staring straight ahead said "Tomorrow Rain"

The next day it rained.

A week later, the director asked again and the Indian said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.
However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"


The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Me not know," he said. "Radio broken."

What have Heather Mills and Celtic got in common?


The second legs just for show.

Paddy says to Murphy, " Have you heard the news? Three cliff walkers have fallen to their deaths."

" Bloody hell " says Murphy, " It's unbelievable that they all had the same name!"

Don't forget Comic Relief this year. Just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend.

A mate of mine who is going deaf runs a bakery. One day he received a phone call from a woman who wanted to order a Birthday cake with ' Happy Birthday. I suck cocks!'

He thought it was a bit weird but made it anyway.

Mrs Cox was furious when he delivered it and her son, Isaac, wasn't impressed either.