Joke Thread

I called the wife, told her I was leaving work early and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home

It was met with a stony slience, I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's an optician."

A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
"If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go?"
The woman was angry and said,
"No! Sod off you filthy old bastard."
The tramp turned to leave and said,
"No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then.

Just had a handjob off a blind girl.

She said my dick was the biggest she ever felt.

I said "you're just pulling my leg"

Preston have offered to send Jermaine Beckford back to Bolton due to their striker crisis.
Sources close to the Bolton management declined stating it would be preferable to play with ten men!!!!

Mr Magoo wrote:

Open letter to Scott 

My fat wife and I were enjoying a swim in the hotel pool his morning when a young child of about 5 got into trouble and appeared to be drowning.
Luckily my wife was there to save his life.

When she got out of the pool to find a lifeguard the water level dropped enough for him to stand up.

Can't believe I got sacked on my very first day as a signwirter.

Bwfc1958 wrote:Can't believe I got sacked on my very first day as a signwirter.

Magoo won't get that.

Breadman wrote:

Bwfc1958 wrote:Can't believe I got sacked on my very first day as a signwirter.

Magoo won't get that.

Fecking hell Scott the second, Stalker

Believe me, Magoo, if there was anybody else on here who even remotely approached anything like your ability to murder the English language, I'd have referenced them.

As it is, when it comes to bad spelling, bizarre use of punctuation and general inability to construct a proper sentence, you stand head and shoulders above the rest of us.

You are truly unique.

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was not too good, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him to get him a divorce.


The lawyer said that he would first have to ask him a few questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
They all still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.

The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately, Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately.

He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious, the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing...

"Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"

Jesus Christ........that's bad.

Did you not get Dave Lee Travis in Jamaica in the 80's?

He used to get listeners to his Radio One show to write in with lyric-based gags and the worst on was about a girl who had a forbidden curry by the seaside with her lover, despite her father's wishes and when he got annoyed she replied with something along the lines of "Don't worry, Dad, it's Poppadom Beach"

And then the cheesy, beardy, paedo twat segued into Madonna.

That's how bad it was....

And now he's in prison.

Think on.....